drinking

I drink because of you.

You're asking me if there's something you can do to help me.
Maybe you could come back and everything will be happy.

But i know you won't come back.
You should have came back a long time ago if you have plans.
So, let me be.
Let me drink myself to forgetfulness.
Let me, at least feel that I can sleep without thinking so hard of you.
Let me journey to another world where I have no control of myself.
Because for the past year and months counting, I've been in control... I must restrict myself in loving you.

Ask me why I drink.
I drink because I love you too much that it hurts.
I drink because it hurts me too much that I want to be numb even for a few hours or so.
I drink because the numbness will never be enough to completely unlove you.

After I wake up from that drinking session, here I am..
writing about my love.

It all comes back to you.
I love you that much that it all leads back to you.

Let me drink. You're my greatest frustration now. :)

Sir: Go to Ateneo and you'll forget him.
Me: I won't study in Ateneo so that I wont forget him.
Sir: There must be something in him, that's why you can't forget him.
Me: *smiles*
Sir: when he's for you, destiny have a way of making you meet him again. Focus on your studies, someday, when he comes back, he is for you. When he does not, he isn't. Mahal mo pa ba siya?
Me: *speechless*

Nilaglag pa ako ng mga classmates ko.

I love you very very much, but sir is right, someday, when you comeback, you're for me. But if you won't, i must learn to cope.

I love you cheezy.

Alam mo ba, nahihirapan akong magdecide kung sang law school ako papasok.

I want to study in UST sana.
Kasi, I want to top the bar for UST.
I want to be a Thomasian Lawyer.
I want to be a Thomasian Chief Justice.
That was my plan before we met.

But everything changed.
I still want to study in UST.
But I've got this problem,
I think UST is too small a world for both of us.
It's either I leave the school or i'll be forever doomed in trying to move on.

Alam mo ba, isa sa mga ni-rarason ko kung bakit gusto ko sa ibang school?
I want a new environment.
Feeling ko lang kasi, di ako makakapag move on kung lagi kitang nakikita.
Masasaktan lang siguro ako kung nakikita ko kayo ni ano.
So, I want to save myself from the pain.
It's normal di ba? Though I admit it's coward.

But I just want to help myself...at the expense of my dreams.

Kaya ang hirap hirap sakin.
Anywhere but not where you are.
Para maging happy ka na din.
Para matahimik na kita.

San kaya ako maglalawschool?
Hindi ko din alam e.
Kung san ako dadalhin ni God, siguro dun na nga.

Bahala na.

I'm living in a HATE world.

How do I begin to hate you?
And how do I begin to erase you from my memory?

I'm being haunted.
Even if I try, there's just no way to escape.
I still have troubles in sleeping.
Frequently, I dream of you. And frequently, I wake up in the same realization that you're gone.

Maybe because it is just now that things have started to sink in.
You're loving another.
You loved another before you left.

How can I mend the heart that was never honestly loved?
How can I mend the soul that wasn't given closure?
How can I mend the self that was never given the opportunity to condemn you?

I wanna shout at you.
I wanna slap you.
I wanna say you're a liar, a bitch.

But, before giving me the chance to do so, before giving me the chance to seek justice/closure from you,
you killed me by a sure death...
and my soul is left in this world,
wandering from place to place
seeking for a love that was never lost because it was never found.

When will I find my silence?
Give me justice. Do me justice.

I loved you more than anyone in the world, and it was never just to say you did when you never really did.
And why can't you explain the reason why you left? Do you think I was foolish enough not to know? And when will you grow up to a man who could admit the reason? It should have been easy for me if you weren't so selfish to admit. I'm just waiting for your closure.


I hate liars. I hate promises broken. I hate you.
And I hate loving you.

But more so, I hate myself for still doing the thing I hate:
I still love you.