drinking

I drink because of you.

You're asking me if there's something you can do to help me.
Maybe you could come back and everything will be happy.

But i know you won't come back.
You should have came back a long time ago if you have plans.
So, let me be.
Let me drink myself to forgetfulness.
Let me, at least feel that I can sleep without thinking so hard of you.
Let me journey to another world where I have no control of myself.
Because for the past year and months counting, I've been in control... I must restrict myself in loving you.

Ask me why I drink.
I drink because I love you too much that it hurts.
I drink because it hurts me too much that I want to be numb even for a few hours or so.
I drink because the numbness will never be enough to completely unlove you.

After I wake up from that drinking session, here I am..
writing about my love.

It all comes back to you.
I love you that much that it all leads back to you.

Let me drink. You're my greatest frustration now. :)

Sir: Go to Ateneo and you'll forget him.
Me: I won't study in Ateneo so that I wont forget him.
Sir: There must be something in him, that's why you can't forget him.
Me: *smiles*
Sir: when he's for you, destiny have a way of making you meet him again. Focus on your studies, someday, when he comes back, he is for you. When he does not, he isn't. Mahal mo pa ba siya?
Me: *speechless*

Nilaglag pa ako ng mga classmates ko.

I love you very very much, but sir is right, someday, when you comeback, you're for me. But if you won't, i must learn to cope.

I love you cheezy.

Alam mo ba, nahihirapan akong magdecide kung sang law school ako papasok.

I want to study in UST sana.
Kasi, I want to top the bar for UST.
I want to be a Thomasian Lawyer.
I want to be a Thomasian Chief Justice.
That was my plan before we met.

But everything changed.
I still want to study in UST.
But I've got this problem,
I think UST is too small a world for both of us.
It's either I leave the school or i'll be forever doomed in trying to move on.

Alam mo ba, isa sa mga ni-rarason ko kung bakit gusto ko sa ibang school?
I want a new environment.
Feeling ko lang kasi, di ako makakapag move on kung lagi kitang nakikita.
Masasaktan lang siguro ako kung nakikita ko kayo ni ano.
So, I want to save myself from the pain.
It's normal di ba? Though I admit it's coward.

But I just want to help myself...at the expense of my dreams.

Kaya ang hirap hirap sakin.
Anywhere but not where you are.
Para maging happy ka na din.
Para matahimik na kita.

San kaya ako maglalawschool?
Hindi ko din alam e.
Kung san ako dadalhin ni God, siguro dun na nga.

Bahala na.

I'm living in a HATE world.

How do I begin to hate you?
And how do I begin to erase you from my memory?

I'm being haunted.
Even if I try, there's just no way to escape.
I still have troubles in sleeping.
Frequently, I dream of you. And frequently, I wake up in the same realization that you're gone.

Maybe because it is just now that things have started to sink in.
You're loving another.
You loved another before you left.

How can I mend the heart that was never honestly loved?
How can I mend the soul that wasn't given closure?
How can I mend the self that was never given the opportunity to condemn you?

I wanna shout at you.
I wanna slap you.
I wanna say you're a liar, a bitch.

But, before giving me the chance to do so, before giving me the chance to seek justice/closure from you,
you killed me by a sure death...
and my soul is left in this world,
wandering from place to place
seeking for a love that was never lost because it was never found.

When will I find my silence?
Give me justice. Do me justice.

I loved you more than anyone in the world, and it was never just to say you did when you never really did.
And why can't you explain the reason why you left? Do you think I was foolish enough not to know? And when will you grow up to a man who could admit the reason? It should have been easy for me if you weren't so selfish to admit. I'm just waiting for your closure.


I hate liars. I hate promises broken. I hate you.
And I hate loving you.

But more so, I hate myself for still doing the thing I hate:
I still love you.

I miss you.

I saw you today.

I saw you today and I wanted to say this, "please stay."

Funny, I remember the first time I debated.
My team lost.
And I left the building early because all the LM team broke.
I was fighting back the tears,
and then while walking my way out of the gate near the Asturias, I saw you there, walking.
You asked where will I go.
I said I'll hear mass.
I was comforted to see you there. I did not know you, but I found comfort in seeing you.
And, a while ago,
my team lost.
Just that, this time, I didn't feel like crying because winning in a debate is never my dream now. Though it hurts me, because it seems that I cannot really master the talent, I knew my tolerance for losing is increased. Maybe because I knew that it is never my priority - to debate. It is never my passion, it was yours.
And while walking, I expected to see you again, though I know it wouldn't happen the second time, I was expecting to be able to see you so that I could feel okay because that's how I feel when you're there.

I saw you today. I heard your voice.
You said you're on pro-b, and i wanted to say, "you can do it" and i wanted to hug you tight and tell you that it will be okay, but i can't.
All I could do was to walk away so that I could free you, or at least try to start freeing you.

I saw you today. And when you left during lunch time, my energy was drained.
I have to admit that even if i feel uneasy when you are around, I always want you near me if not beside me...because i feel that everything will be fine and that I could do whatever. When you left, I lost my interest in debating, honestly.

I saw you today, and I have to admit that even I say that I don't anymore, I still do.. I still love you.

I saw you today and I want to see you everyday of my life, every morning, every dinner time, every time my eyes open and close, every time there is everyday.

I saw you today and I'll be seeing you through.
I saw you today and I just love you for being you.

:)

let go.

I'll let go, because I love you, and I want to empower you.
I'll let go, so that you can be truly happy with what you want, and who you love.
I'll let go, and do not worry, for I'll do it for you...
I'll let go because I love you.

Giving UP

Hello readers.

I decided that I will finally let go. :)
Not now though. But at least, I got the "will" that I needed.
Reasons will be posted in the coming days,
but I'm certain, this time, I really want to move on.

I need to grow up.
And growing up requires changes.
Stagnation is a hindrance, so I must learn to cope.
This life is not a happy ending tale in some cases.
This is not pessimism but this is reality.
But don't worry, even if life is not always a happy ending,
There are a lot of other stories in my life that could end happily.

I just need to be contented with what I have right now,
I need to utilize what I am now,
And who knows, one day, I might be happy in love again.

I'm growing up.
I want to.
So I need to stop being a spoiled brat
Crying about things that could not be undone.

If ever I feel pain again because of the same reason,
Maybe I should start to rationalize.
Even if love as proven in philosophy can't use the faculty of the mind,
I will use the faculty of the will as a weapon to grow up.

I'll strive to be happy, because I want to.
I'll grow up. :)

NAHIHIRAPAN.

Huwag ka munang magmamahal ng iba...
Hindi ko pa kaya.

Nasasaktan ako ng sobra-sobra.
Sana pwede kong sabihin yun sa'yo noh?

:(

BALISA AKO.

Love, should I let you go?
I woke up crying today...

And I'm wondering if there's really nothing left
there in your heart.

Maybe I'm just keeping the memory of your love
An illusion, a way to keep me alive.

And when I realize everyday, that I am living in a lie
I created: that you love me still, and that you just need to study
I break down.
And it hurts all of me.

Because at the back of my head, I know...
you don't love me anymore.
And I'm becoming selfish..

Love, should I let you go?
I want to hold on, with all my strength
But I always ask the question:
Is it enough?


Love, Art, should I let you go?

I love you.

I am a blue-tailed mermaid.

My tail color signifies my current state.
It changes from time to time,
but it takes months, years or maybe for the rest of time.

It depends on things,
on how fast or slow I move on.
It depends on the wound,
of whether it dries up
or it keeps on aching.

These are my moving-on posts.
Because in this human world,
where I exchanged my tail to feet,
for a love that would last in eternity,
every thing is a step, everything is moving.
Fast-paced it is.

but this feet, once a tail,
have a difficulty of running or walking fast.
It bleeds, it makes me stumble,
as if I am not balanced,
so these posts are my attempts,
although I would know, that never will I be able to walk
as graciously as human beings,
there are my immortal testaments that I tried.

I am the blue-tailed mermaid.
And even if my tail is lost for feet,
I would remain as one.

Grace. 4:12pm, July 6, 2010.